i want to be a masterpeice.

xxx

Hiiiii, I’m Tash.  And chances are, you won’t read this.  But, in the slight possibility you do, this should do you good. I’m currently 15 years old.  ’I’m a defect that’s learned to carry myself beautifully.’ Despite my parade of confidence, I am exceedingly insecure. I live for three things; love, beauty, and aesthetic pleasure in all forms. I think sarcasm is the highest and most pleasing form of humor. I’m extremely childish.  i have an awkward obsession with cartoons and ice cream. I love horror and independent forms. I think sex is a lifestlye. I dislike “hardcore kids” alongside any other label.  Just be yourself.  I random dance and sing. Electro-clash is yummy. But, don’t act like you know what techno is just because you listen to Blood On the Dance Floor. Anything mainstream is gross. The underground world is beautiful. I long to be apart of it. I’m infatuated with my hair. Confidence is attractive to an extent.  I’m a hopeless romantic.  I learned that perfection is another word for flaw, and with flaws, you lack no perfection. I live in a world of misunderstood minds and not so rational beings. We will never change; even when the world ends we stand to be irrelevant.  But, that’s just an idea of what i think we all represent; attention addicts, because the more i look around the more i notice people want to be noticed.  I live life to my preference because i’m only living once.  it’s hard sometimes when simpleton crosses my way. So please worry about yourself. I think you can stop wasting time judging another living life. Your not the ideal human either. You obviously have no life if you sit around worrying about what I’m doing with my life. I am free minded and conscientious. I’m an unusual individual.  I love eyes.  They can tell me so much about a person and what they are thinking. I don’t like being looked into however. Eye contact makes me nervous.  That was not a contradicting statement.  I’m pensive most of the time. I space out a lot into my own thoughts and I am forgetful. The human body is the most amazing thing we can possess. I am a product of fashion and art. Besides that, i spend too much time sleeping and take too many showers, But i love it.  myspace is not my life, so i’m sorry if i don’t reply right away.  give me a piggyback ride in a circle pit, i’ll love you forever.

my day.

was uneventful.
it was very overplayed.
everything that has happened has happened so many times.
i went to the mall.
i read some of my book.
i fought with my parentals.
eli came over.
i talked to the boy i liked, and nothing came of it.

hm.
i need something new.
i need someone new.
i need anything.
just as long as it’s new.

i want to write a song.
a song that can jumble all my emotions into conspiratorial words.
a song that, on the piano will sound like a nonstop delure.
a song that will make everyone realize how i am really feeling.

We’re individuals.

I had a best friend. Her name is Courtney Philips. The first time I seen her she had long blonde hair. Her big blue eyes were so bright, and her skin was pale. Her cheeks always had a perfect rosy color. She used to sit alone at lunch. Every day I watched her eat quietly. She sat by me in Chorus, but I never really noticed. One day, she said my name. Her voice was high pitched, but quiet. She told me we should form a band. This was the first day me and Courtney talked. The day we became BEST friends. Days after she told me I was her best friend. I’ve never felt that before.
For so long, all we ever did was aspire to cover Mayday Parade and Metro Station. We were lame. We stayed at my friend Eliza’s house one night, and they got into a big fight, so we left at six that morning so that it was legal for her to drive the streets. We went to Shoney’s and had a nice breakfast, where an old woman told us we were individuals. I have no idea why I loved that day so much.
As the days went by, me and Courtney became inseparable. I hated it.
I hated it because I loved who she was. Her long blonde hair. Her beautiful eyes. A color that describes all of the pain and sadness she has always felt inside. I tried not to pay attention because I loved her too much. Courtney made me laugh at everything, and when we were together, we didn’t care what people thought of us. We were two best friends, and we were completely, and utterly, happy. Our laughs were the same high pitched and annoying sounds, but we loved it. Our sleepovers went by too fast, and I miss the days we held hands in the mall and people looked at us. I loved looking in her closet full of clothes and shoes she never wore.
She wasn’t happy like she appeared. Courtney had loved someone before, and she had to let him go. This assholes name is Collin. He destroyed her, and treated her like she was nothing. She had never met him, and he had a girlfriend. But the feelings were there, nonetheless. She couldn’t take it anymore, and tried to say goodbye. She always spoke about him and told me how much she hated him, and I knew it wasn’t true. She only wanted to hide her pain. She tried to say goodbye to him so many times, but the pain was too much for her, and she never kept to her word.   
As freshman year came up, I was so excited to experiance highschol with her. After our other best friend, Adeala moved away. All we had was each other. I got a boyfriend. And his name was Wesley. They hated each other so much. Me and Courtney were suddenly arguing about the smallest things. I loved her, and I knew she loved me too. Our fight exploded and we stopped talking the last few days we were in this beautiful place. We both came to the conclusion that I had to choose between her and Wesley. It was hard, so…I chose neither. But Courtney saw it as me choosing Wesley.
Courtney went through a lot, and it hurt me so much to see her feeling the way she was. She was so lifeless around school. Then she disappeared for a few days. And I got checked out of school one day because my mom said she was in the hospital. Something happend, and she was in a hospital a good five hours away. Her mom said she was screaming my name in the emergency room. It hurt so unbearably bad to know I couldn’t help her. My mom refused to let me go. But of course, she came to the insintive that I didn’t care. I cared, so much.
Two months after, she changed schools. Me and her barely got to see each other, and we gave up trying to work it out. As the year went on, we drifted apart. No more sleepovers. No more anything. We only have faint memories that remind of us of how we used to be. I wish I could have been there. Maybe I could have called her more. Maybe if I tried harder, I would still have her to call my best friend. I haven’t gone one day without missing her; without thinking ‘what if’. I know she is happy now. She has someone to call a best friend, her name is Jana, I guess. I wish I was Jana. I wish I could see Courtney every day. She stole my place in Courtney’s heart. I wish I was that girl, but I’m not.
Courtney doesn’t pay much attention to me anymore. I know she doesn’t think about me. I don’t even think she misses me. She never knew how much I envied her. I love her more than anyone ever will. Now it’s my time to say goodbye. Goodbye Courtney Philips. You were my best friend, and I wish you could know. Maybe one day I’ll see you again.

So, there’s this guy.

and his name is james.

and hm, seeing as no one really reads about my personal life on here, i think it’s safe i tell about how i feel toward him.

he is really great, like truly. he’s not like most guys you would find at a show. the ones who base there lives solely around music and girls. he actually is dedicated to school and being a good person. he is extremely nice, and is gonna go places. i’ve known him barely over a month, but i know he will.

i really like him, even if i don’t get to see him as much as i’d like to.

i have this odd…tingle whenever we’re together. you know, the one girls get when they’re around the guy they like a lot. yeah, that one. it’s silly. but not unexpected.

i don’t know why i’m even writing this. just on a creative block, and decided to write something about someone who was on my mind.

so yeah. james. he’s cute. and he is my valentine.

AND I BOUGHT HIM A PRESENT TODAY!